The Zagor Chronicles: Hot Gossip Machine
by Stormer
Summary: **Article #4 is up! (feat. Huge Day Out Line-up) ** Examples of fictional articles my friend and I used to compose. Based on *The Zagor Chronicles* (Ian Livingstone and Carl Sargent), a great fantasy series. Please R/R!
1. Braxus is Here!

**Disclaimer/Note (will not be so long in subsequent episodes in the Braxus/Jallarial/Dahlver saga:** Most of the characters in these fics began as characters born of the minds of Ian Livingstone and Carl Sargent. These include the wizard Jallarial, the warrior Braxus, and the dwarf Stubble. Shekiness is indeed an "old rat" (you will see what I mean by that later *s*). Shebbeneth is _indeed _a sorceress.

However, my friend Amanda and I reshaped the characters in a way that suited our purposes. We made Braxus and Jallarial a couple who enjoy great sex (sooo didn't happen in the books, heheh), and we made Dahlver a pathetic creature hopelessly in love with a man who would never be hers (while in the books, the love is returned, though never fulfilled…gawd I hated how book four ended!). We put the _Zagor _characters in a modern setting, and even gave them their own rock bands (Braxus is the lead singer/guitarist for Braxus and the Sunshine Band, and Jallarial was first a member of Get Annez, and then a solo artist; Dahlver was a member of Get Annez, and now is in Dahlver's Garden—Dahlver and Jal are utter enemies, TOTALLY unlike in the books:). We also added our own characters, including the reporter Tearmee Tearyou (yes, it's meant to mean what you think it means :p).

Therefore, many things have been changed, and that's why it's well and truly a fan-fic. But one thing remains the same: our love of the characters who introduced us to the world of fantasy literature, and a love of being extremely stupid. This fic might make little sense to anyone who hasn't read _The Zagor Chronicles_, but ahh well, that can't be helped. You might enjoy it anyway, but I wouldn't blame you if it passed right over your head. :) And now, a word from our sponsors…

**BRAXUS  
****IS HERE!!****  
  
**

by tearmee tearyou

**Yep,  that's right,  guys!  **Braxus** is  here  at  last, and  you know what? He  brought  his  **Sunshine Band** along for the ride!!! Not bad, you're  saying?  Well,  you're  not  gonna  believe what I'm gonna  tell you next!  **Jal**'s here  too, and **Dahlver** brought along  her **Garden** just for us to see! Talk about major muso fest!**

You got it! The time has come for this years thriller of all thrillers!! THE HUGE DAY OUT!! Anyway, since Braxus the babe and his little Sunnies are comin' along for the ride, as is girlfriend Jal and acquaintance Dahlver Anaakturiel, we here at Claw decided that we'd like to pay tribute to the great band that is "Braxus and the Sunshine Band!"

Here is an extremely extensive list of all the things ole' Braxy has done in his short life time so far! Oooh, he makes me shiver!

* The babe kills **Zagor**, the most bastardly and evil guy we've ever heard of, and earns the honour of wearing the "Badge of Babely Bravery!" (We here at **Claw HQ** like to call him "Triple B".

* Comes to Claw for his very first interview, and we all swoon. (Much to our annoyance, **Jal** just HAD to come along and keep an eye on her man—BITCH!) 

* Decides that, other than spilling Orcs' intestines with that "mighty sharp" sword of his, his one true passion (other than Jal!) is music. So he forms a band!

* Finds out that **Shekiness Johanssen** actually used to play the drums for punk band **Maiden's Chamber**, and so asks the old rat if he'll "do the honours". Shekiness, of course, says, "Sure thing!" As Braxus has known for years, **Stubble **used to lend his guitaring skills to **Splendid Kingdom**, pocket-grunge's grandfather band.

* With Stubble on guitar, Braxus only has to find a bass player. After all, he's already got a singer and lead guitarist—himself! **Anver Brades**, a good friend of Braxus's, happens to have played with **Tragedy** for three years in his youth, and is the obvious choice for the position of bass guitar. It just so happens, as we all heard in the first two albums, that Anv can certainly sing to save his life, and back-up singing is invented at long last!

* Releases a debut album, **_Arcadian_**, and wins an armful (six, to be exact!) of Argents for it. _Arcadian_ goes laxila (the CLAW translation—trust us, it's easier than trying to understand the real meaning—is _'way more than any of you could count'_) in Titan, and Braxus and his band go on a world tour! (Much to everyone's delight!)

[insert illustration]

* Meets up with **Dave Grohl**, who compliments him on his brilliant work—and vice versa—and offers to help him write some songs. Braxus refuses, thanking "the master" (as he calls Dave) but saying that he does not want to be noted on something someone else did. Dave agrees, and goes off to be at the premier for his band, **The Foo Fighters**' fifth album, **_Laketown Merlin_**.

* The Sunshine Band release a second album, **_Sightseer!_**, and get quite used to critical acclaim. (You see, not only do they win five Argents for their effort, but they also totally go off over in Titan—what a surprise, NOT!)

[insert illustration]

* Co-writes "I'll Try To Be On Time" for Jallarial's first album, and both are noted for their amazingly intellectual, spirited lyrical work. (Just to remind you, Jal went five hundred on that album!)

* Just a few days ago, The Sunshine Band's third album, **_Infinitia_** was released, and much to everyone's delight, it is as brilliant as the first two!

[insert illustration]

Don't miss the HUGE DAY OUT, this Sunday at Classic Fiend Oval in Dalport.

Also, see our invaluable HUGE DAY OUT "who's who and what's what" in the next issue of _Claw_.


	2. Jal’s in Flint!

**JAL'S**

**IN  
FLINT**  
  


  
**Everyone's fave babette, **Jallarial**, (or Jal the Gal, as she is affectionately known at CLAW HQ) is over in Flint[1] for the start of her exclusive world tour, and they're spewin'!**

[_insert picture here_]

Jal sent us a message saying we'd have to put off our interview for at least a couple of weeks until she gets back. (Boo hoo!)

But that's okay. After all, considering the amazing concert she's gonna put on for us all over Amarillia, we forgive her one thousand and twenty times and again. She explained all about the concert, and how the choreographing has been all her job! (Not to mention the fact that she had to write the excellent songs in the first place, and has organised everything else that needed to be done for the massive event.

We can tell you, people, this is gonna be a show to remember!

Well, anyway, Jal's in Flint, and apparently has signed every autograph book she's come across! (What a legend!)

The Flinters think she's so brilliant, in fact, that fifty thousand or so fans serenaded her when she arrived at Flint Skyport[2] yesterday!

Jal tells us here at Claw that there are a few surprises for fans at the show. "It's different," she fesses smugly, and we feel like shaking the answer out of her. "It's better. More exciting. There'll be a few shocks, a few surprises…a few fantastic amazements. Just wait and see. It's going to be very exciting. No one will guess what's gonna happen. _I _can still hardly believe it!!"

But it's not all been clean sailing for our Jal, according to some very reliable sources. "Jal's been having some troubles," says Aranicia Bradenbyre, Jal's publicist and spokesperson.[3] "Some people take holding grudges to the extreme, in a town like Azzûr (Jal's last stop, where her welcome was certainly not warm!) especially."

Dahlver has shown no signs of causing any trouble so far during this tour, but Jal warns seriously, "Never underestimate that woman. She'll go to any lengths. Any lengths at all…"

We decided not to take her comment for granted, though when we spoke with Dahlver earlier in the week, she all but refused to speak of Jal, and anything to do with her. Mmm! Is Dahlver planning something? We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose!

It seems Jal is looking forward to the show, but in she has admitted she is also looking forward to a break.

"I've been going non-stop for almost six months," she sighs. "I'm tired. I'm happy, and fulfilled, and bloody excited–" (flashes us a quick grin) "–but I'm tired as well. After this, it's bed for me. For a few months!" (Laughs).

_Aaah, the pressures of fame_, you're thinking? Well, besides the fact that Jal is the richest woman in this whole country, (Dahlver comes a very close second, we thought it was fair to say)[4] that is quite true. Jal has put so much pressure on herself, in fact, that she reportedly consumed five family blocks of Jamaican Chocolate last night, and sucked on so many Werther's Originals Butterscotch Drops that her entire jaw is aching now.

Silly girl, Jal. If your jaw's too sore to sing tomorrow, there's gonna be absolute _hell_ to pay. We promise!

This is the line-up for the concert tomorrow! Get your pens out and start planning your course of action now, guys! It'll be too late on the day!

**STAGE ONE**

11.00-11.30     Callagenics

12.00-12.30     Darkness Be My Friend

1.00-1.30         Limit Kalm

2.00-2.40         Ostentatious

3.20-4.00         Juda Breane

4.40-5.20         The Able

6.00-6.40         Ashmanaille

7.20-8.30         Dahlver's Garden

9.20-10.30       Keillemark

11.10-12.30     Braxus & the Sunshine Band

**STAGE TWO**

11.30-12.00     Theryasis

12.30-1.00       Darkness Be My Friend

1.30-2.00         Azonia

2.40-3.20         Mane of Wall

4.00-4.40         Kallisto's Herant

5.20-6.00         Day at End

6.40-7.20         Approprion

8.30-9.20         Lilac Doublon

10.30-11.10     Asha Grante

12.30-2.00       Jallarial

**STAGE THREE**

12.30-1.00       Luka Beile

1.30-2.00         Feral Duke

2.30-3.00         Maylieweed

3.30-4.00         Forever Free

4.30-5.00         Ayls Tumell   
5.30-6.10         Illuminator  
6.10-6.50         Tyrdrozine  
6.50-7.40         Acher  
  


_Have a HUGE DAY OUT everyone!___

  


* * *

[1] Flint is a city of Amarillia that is one of Sargent's/Livingstone's inventions! It is traditionally a dwarfish city.

[2] As in an airport. :) There are no airports in _The Zagor Chronicles_ but there are a lot of things in these articles of mine that are not in _Zagor_. *s*

[3] Aranicia is totally fictitious (she is mine).

[4] As Dahlver comes a close second in every aspect of life, in these articles. *lol* Poor Dahlver (she never came second in the books.


	3. What a Man!

**W H A T     A      MAN !****  
  
**

**You guys are not gonna believe the news we have for you this month! The babe-warrior of the month (Braxus, like  DER!) is releasing a brand new album! Tearmee Tearyou reports.**

Yes, it's true! Just one week after he and the Sunnies brought out their third album, they have now decided that, since they had to choose from so many songs for that one, they might as well put the others on a new one!

Hey, don't get us wrong or anything! The songs on the new album aren't by any means 'rejects', but the lads had to start somewhere with _'Infinitia'_! 

So, much to the delight of their millions of Amarillian and Titanian fans, a new album is being recorded _as we speak!_

It should be released in a couple of weeks, and as of yet they have no name for it.

So, to celebrate this _amazing_news, we've listed the brilliant albums the four have released so far, and have included a full review of each album which can be found on page 73! HAPPY READING!

Albums and singles (to date) by the Sunshine Band are:

 _*Arcadian_

_            -Velvet Man_

_            -Believe It_

_            -Mud on My Feet_

_            -Over the Wall_

_ *Sightseer!_

_            -Queenie_

_            -Wait for Something_

_            -Absolute Timer_

_            -Downward Spiral_

_ *Infinitia_

            _-Blind_

_            -Never and Forever_

_            -Linella_

_            -Thankful Nation_

And let's not forget about those numerous live recordings that their producers have released in their name! (There have been two so far!)

Well, I must say!! Braxus, honey, you have been working VERY HARD!!!

We salute Amarillia's N° 1 Babe, and pray that he and his buddies keep up the 'smashing' work!

**By Tearmee Tearyou**.


	4. Slash On!

Note: This is like a "letters to the editor" section we included in our "magazine". Hehe. It was fun to write!

**slash on!**  
**_what do you reckon?_****  
  
**

write to Tearmee Tearyou about anything!  
  


**dEAR tEARMEE,**

     Firstly, I just wanna say that I love your "slashin'" mag, and I reckon you're all babes! But pleaaaase, no more posters of Dahlver! She is just such a fake bitch. Leave her out of your cool mag!

**Jal Rules, Dalport, PA.**[1]__

****

**_Dear Rules,_**

     **_Believe it or not, some people actually like Dahlver. Just turn to our Slashers' Poll to have your say, ok?_**

**Dear Tearmee,**

     Sure, some people say Dahlver's Garden rulz, but quite frankly, I hate 'em! The 'Garden sux well and truly!

**Kabaal, BA.**[2]

**_Dear Kabaal,_**

     **_All I can say is, "sheesh, have a heart!"_**

**Dear Tearmee,**

     I just wanna say that I think these ridiculous debates over who's cooler (i.e… Jal and Dahl-both are power-chicks and deserve a heap of credit, but I'm getting sick of hearing Jal bag Dahlver, and vice-versa, I suppose), and I think we should concentrate on more important issues, such as…BRAXUS! That warrior-kiav is SUCH a babe! _Tesho mes, hunie!_ Otherwise, your mag rules, and keep up the good work! More Braxus and Prad Bitt, please!

**All of Azzûr, PA.**[3]

**_Dear Azzûr,_**

     **_Thanks for putting my thoughts into words. I wholeheartedly agree with you, though I do think Jal is cooler. Turn to page 37 for a spiccy new Braxus poster! More Prad on the way!_**

**Dear tEARmee,**

     Dahlver rules! People, stop bagging Dahlver! She's much better tan Jallarial, and her songs are so much more meaningful! Dahl rulz!

**Dalport, PA.**

**DEaR TEaRMEE,**

     Thank you SOOOO much! My friend and I majorly drooled over that huge Prad Bitt poster! Thanks heaps, and give us more!

**Ironbabe, Ironhold, GRN.**[4]

**_Not a prob, Ironbabe!_**

**Dear tearMEE,**

     I absolutely love Silverchair the Sequel's Saniel Dohns, and I noticed you haven't had any good posters of him! Make my dreams come true and gimmee a pic or two of Saniel!

**Grateful, Saranport, PA.**[5]

**_Dear Grateful,_**

     **_Here's a tiny taste of what's to come. Sorry we can't offer you much more yet… The boys from the Sequel aren't being particularly helpful in that respect – in the chair clones tradition, of course!_**

**dEaR tEaRmEe,**

     All I have to say is, you're a legend. Go girl.

**Sanctuary, GRN.[6]**

**_Dear Sanctuary,_**

     **_Thanks! Same to you!_**

  


* * *

[1] Dalport, PARNASSA – the city Jallarial is from in the books.

[2] Kabaal is another city in Amerillia (if I haven't mentioned this before).

[3] Azzûr, another city in Amerillia. PA – Parnassa. This writer was being cheeky by assuming all of Azzûr agreed with him/her. *s*

[4] Ironhold – a dwarven city in GRUNDIA (GRN).

[5] Saranport – yes, another city.

[6] Sanctuary is the island off the coast of Grundia – it is the place where Jallarial sits for a while as Lady of the Tower. This is from the books, not made up *g*


End file.
